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Dear Hart,

I get into a relationship and think it’s going to be wonderful but then I get so disappointed. My boyfriend and I just broke up after 7 months. In the beginning it was great. He said I was it for him. But then we fought a lot. He didn’t care if I was happy or not. He would just do his thing and if I wanted to be with him I would just have to like it or get out. He didn’t say it like that, but he never did change anything even when I told him how much it upset me… like looking at other girls a lot when we’re together. I get confused. He thought I was being unreasonable. What can I and should I expect from the way a guy treats me?

H.R. 24

Dear H.R.,

Thank you for a great question. It gets to the heart of the matter when discussing successful and unsuccessful relationships. Two issues come into view with this question; expectations and values.

Often, one’s values are not something a person decides or consciously chooses. A person’s values are built, often silently, over time, from the earliest years and throughout life by many factors; strengths and challenges, temperament, family of origin, society at large. All these factors work together in producing an individual set of values.

Every time you look someone in the eyes you are looking at a unique value system. A person may see the world in a way similar to or compatible with you. They may not. Their dreams may be similar. They may not. This does make the expectation issue a tricky one. It also makes life fascinating and exciting.

Expectations arise within a value system. It is important to note that there exists no one who is obliged to fulfill our expectations. There are people who will naturally, just being who they are, mostly fulfill our expectations of kindness, honesty, courage, and any values we hold dear.

It becomes clear that it is a good idea to take some time to know a person in many different situations, to pay attention, to observe, the values they are expressing in their day to day life, before one commits one’s heart and well being.

If a person shares a similar world view, you may both run smoothly together. If you have very different or contrasting values in important areas of life, then you may adjust your expectations of that relationship and move on. Do not, however, down grade your value system.

You can grow it, refine it based on principles which mean a lot to you. To realize one’s dreams, one’s life day to day must reflect ones most cherished values.

I am sorry that your relationship disappointed you. It’s no one’s fault. It is due to a lack of sound education in matters of the heart. And you and I are changing this right now.

I wish you love,

Hart Bishop

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Disclaimer: The information in this book and Website is not intended to substitute for the personal, individual attention of professionals in matters of serious relationship problems. In such cases, see your local professionals. The publishers and the author do not assume liability in connection with the use of the information herein. Names, situations and events in this writing have been changed for the purpose of confidentiality. Any similarity with a specific person or persons is purely coincidental.

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